Of The Makin' & Breakin'
A lot of thoughts have been on my mind lately, regarding how to tell the stories of this winter tour, but to be honest, whenever I tried to sit down and put events in order, one thing kept creeping up on me. An incident, that marked an early end to this tour and affected my health - mentally and physically - a lot.
Normally, I'd shake anything off and move on with my work. I had invested 3 years and more into it, just giving up two months into tour? What? Did I lose it completely?
Sad truth be told, I never thought it would come that far as to cutting off people who had bought tickets and long-time friends who took their weekends off for the last two concerts. But it happened.
It sat with me in the ER and it sat with me on a plane to Europe for the holidays. It sat with me the past weeks, days and nights, endlessly hoping for a solution that didn't come to my mind until I finally realized: There was none. What had happened, happened.
But I was left in the quiet, old place I had left 6 years ago, with the same old regrets and the same dreams. I felt like I had done nothing that I would have been proud of, even back then.
An Emotional Tour
Luckily it took a turn for the better in Shimokitazawa, which I'm endlessly grateful for. It was a hard road to find the right part of the city, and right type of people, who genuinely enjoyed my music. My favourites were without a doubt Shibuya Vuenos and Club 251 in Shimokitazawa, though a lot of it felt rushed and I wish I could remember more at moments like now, where everything is just one big blur of moments.
One of my favourite moments was winning people over in Shibuya. It started horribly, even at the soundcheck, I was performing two songs that are difficult for me, that I cried about while recording, because they tell the two saddest stories of my life.
Actually, at this point, I want to add, I had to chance to even practice "You Tore Me Apart" and "Can't Die Tonight" in their original, English version without crying and having my voice howl in the nasty mess that goes along with it.
Up to this tour it felt great to tell the story, but reliving it on stage would have probably washed away the audience members in a sweep emotional turmoil of a barely-rested German mess, trying to just overcome a bad day.
Back to Vuenos. I came in with pretty low expectations, ready to pack and leave without selling goods or anything really, right after I was done. But for a brief moment, while I was on stage I realized that I had actually won them over. It was an event stage, and most of the audience members were there for their respective idol in their respective brightly pastel colored shirt. Yet, after I finished through two songs already, I realized they weren't just standing around anymore, but actually enjoyed my music.
It was a unlucky day, falling on my butt while getting off stage and receiving blurry footage from my cameraman the same night, but it was worth the effort.
New Future Plans
I was shoved from niche to niche by past managers and wild guesses on 'what could be trending this year?'. I'm tired of the experience that comes with leaving your life and career up to others, there is no right way to go about it, but trying where you can to make something... Anything of it. Even now, that I'm physically incapable of doing much at all, I just try to roll my body to the lighter end of the tunnel, wherever that might be.
I already talked about Japan not being my end goal, and I hope all of you are open to that idea, because I definitely have some different plans for this year. I was already heading a different direction with English music the past year, with a better reaction than I anticipated.
What the future will bring, be it another tour, new music or a completely new genre, I'll be just as freaked out about as you.
I don't know whether or not this will be a first of x or just a single performance in Germany, but for now I was able to set up a full set concert, I'll be adding it to the event page shortly.